Saturday, September 8, 2012

On my own.

For the first time in 8 years I was on my own. The feeling of being on my own at this time in my life was quite surprising. After I had my kids I have been non stop from the time they were born.  However,  on September 6, 2012 at approximately 8:30am I was alone. I had sent both my kids off to school for the new school year; however this time Sophia left me to. My little partner in crime, my grocery store partner, my nail salon buddy, my gardening assistant, my so many things the list goes on forever. About a week before school began I noticed some cold feet on her side. We talked over it and I assured her she was a big girl now and she would make some great friends that just may last a life time as a few of mine have. I told her school would give her the tools of making her and teaching her how to be just about anything she wants. Still all my brave words of advise didn't seem to console her. So as the first day came up on us quickly and we walked into the school campus she became silent (she does this when she's uncomfortable). Silent to the point of not saying a single word and then those eye's as wide as a deer and glassy as can be. I kept talking to her trying to get her to talk to me but to no avail would she. I kept telling her I loved her and it was going to be a great day. I introduced her to a few new kids and still no voice. We were (the parents) allowed in class on day one for roll call and when Mrs. Deveroux replied "SOPHIA GONZALEZ" nothing. She repeated herself and still silent I nudged Sophia and finally spoke for her with a very low "here, she's here". The look on her face was too familiar a look of sadness that just broke my heart. I kept my sun glasses on the entire time to hide the tears I wasn't strong enough to hold back as she was. As we were asked to say our last goodbyes I was a mess. I got home to this silent home, no t.v. no naked barbies all over her room and no mini fairy lands she makes all around the house. Just me and a house on my own. I started to feel sad so I started to clean and I mean clean good, moved the entire family room around. Purged some old toys and books out the goodwill and tried my hardest to not think of her. As I picked her up the silence continued for about an hour and finally she said it was OK and didn't really want to share her day with me. I kept insisting and asked her who she ate with at lunch, who she played with at recess and what she learned today...nothing she said????  On day two she was a new person, running into the grounds and finding some girls I presume she made friends with the day before. As I watched from the gate; my new boundary line the girls, Sophia included made there way to the slide and talked and laughed. When I picked her up it was all about Isabella, Destiny and Sarah.

Her day had obviously gone well, as my day got a bit tougher. I mean the house was impeccably clean, dinner a no brainer. I was truly on my own and more sad the second day. I mean I missed her, missed both of them. Missed the need for need if you will. I miss my babies and again in less than one year understand how time is flying by us all. Thus far in my life being a Mother has been my best move, my favorite job, my most rewarding accomplishment. So sitting in my clean house I find myself puzzled, sad missing them and wanting this time to last longer I want to be with them not on my own. I think I know why she couldn't tell me about her day, she didn't want to admit she found a new door to her life with friends and fun and she learned new things all this without me. I want my kids to share with me, talk to me not protect me from my own selfish feelings of loss. So I've made a promise to myself, to let them go a little, lossen my apron strings a bit and let them feel free. Free to be what ever it is they want, free to explore and free to share all the wonderful things life is. To be on their own as I will be on my own.
Breakfast of Champions ....
First Day of School 2012-13
On Campus...her we go!
On her own....
 No problems here...he's excited and ready to go!
No more smiles....

Her first assignment a poem for me....

1 comment:

  1. I LOVED your post which resonated in my heart as well as I have 2 children truly leaving the nest in the next several weeks--Hillary getting married and moving to Irvine and Garrett serving a mission in Mexico for 2 years!!! They grow up so quickly... Find some fun and interesting things you've wanted to do for awhile that you haven't had time to do or take some classes. As you continue to grow and develop yourself, you become an even better mother and wife than you already are as you share your new-found learning with your family. Good luck!!! Ready to start training for a half marathon? :)


My Blog List

Blog Archive